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Raker's Edition 
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THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

Price, 25 Cents 




$zkt 9 50 €znt$ <6ac| 



THE AMAZONS • Farce to Three Acts. Seven males, M& females* 
Costumes, modern; scenery, not difficult- Plays 
a full evening. 

THE CABINET MINISTER FarceinF o urAct8 - Tenm3fe S ,nin© 
»«*« v V.IWA Hiw ^*»w fema i eSa Costumes, modern society; 

sceneiy, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

DANDY DICK Fftrce ^ Three Acts = Seven males, four females. 
Costumes, modern $ scenery, two interiors. Playr 
two hours and a halt 

TEE fiAY LORD OUEX G 01116 ^* 11 Four Acts, Pour males ten 
^ females.- Costumes, modern ; sceuery, 

two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. 

HIS HOUSE IN ORDFR Gomed y mFourActs > Nine males, fonf 
VJ\UL< f ema i eSs Costumes, modern ; scenery^ 
three interiors Plays a full evening. 

THE HORRY HORSE Oomed y *** Three Acts. Ten males, five 
females. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. 
Plays two hours and a half. 

IRIS Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, 
modern \ scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening 

LADY BOUNTIFUL ^ ?lay *** Four ActS " Eigllt males » seven fe- 
^ males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, four in- 
teriors, not easy. Plays a full evening. 

LETTY I)rama in ■ B ' our Acts snd an Epilogue. Ten males, five fe- 

^ males. Costumes, modern 5 gcenery complicated. Plays a 

full evening* 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter $* TSaUt & Company 

Ha, § Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



The Tramps' Convention 

An Entertainment in One Scene 

For Male Characters Only 



By 
JESSIE A. KELLEY 

Author of "The Village Post- Office," "Our 

Church Fair," "Taking the Census 

in Bingville" etc., etc. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1912 






The Tramps' Convention 



CHARACTERS 



Dusty Bob, Preside?it of Convention. 

Happy Hooligan, who tells how to deal with the dog. 

Gentleman Jim, who speaks about courts and cops. 

Healthy Tim, an applicant for Ananias Club. 

Sunny Mike, another applicant for Ananias Club, 

Dirty Joe, who tells methods for getting food. 

Tired Tim, still another Ananias. 

Frosty Finnegan, another applicant. 

Lazy Logan, too lazy to wink. 

Tattered Ragons, very successful in avoiding work. 

Dusty Rhodes, who also wants to join Ananias Club, 

Hobo Jake, who gives some pointers on the drink question. 

Tramping Muggs, another Ananias. 

Hungry Dan, another applicant. 

Hatless Hal, the successful competitor for Ananias Club, 

Frowsy Filthy, who clothes them all. 

The Janitor. 




Copyright, 191 2, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 



)CI,D 28332 
MB; f 



COSTUMES 

The more disreputable the costumes the better, patched 
torn, ragged, dirty, too large, too small clothes of a nondescript 
character. Happy Hooligan should have a very small hat 
which keeps falling off. Frowsy Filthy must have several 
coats, vests, pants, etc. on with which he fits out the others 
during his speech. 



NOTES 

Action is everything. Act out the jokes, act out going to the 
houses, act out every part possible. Practice the story telling 
A story is made or spoiled by the way in which it is told. Go 
slowly. Repeat the jokes and conundrums so the audience 
will have time to get the points. Use local names in every 
possible case in jokes, stories and conundrums. All on stage 
should laugh heartily at stories told, put in exclamations and 
the more slang expressions the better. Sprawl and lounge in 
lazy, ungainly attitudes, in fact be tramps for the time being. 



The Tramps' Convention 



SCENE. — The stage represents a public hall or any other large 
room reasonably suited for convention purposes. It may 
have any other furnishings or decorations that are desired, 
but it must have standing up stage against the back scene a 
very large packing case plainly addressed on the side next 
the audience : "To the Tramps 1 Convention, Duranceville 
{or any other town where the entertainment is to be given), 
State of (whatever it may be)." The top of this case, which 
should be large enough to give room and passage to a good- 
sized man, is arranged to lift up like a lid, and access to its 
interior is to be had from the back through the back scene 
against which it stands. 

{The curtain rises, discovering J anitor of the hall putting 
the finishing touches to the arrangements and decorations 
of the place. He takes out his watch and looks at it, then 
shakes it up, puts it to his ear and looks at it again.) 

Janitor. I can't make out where these people are. They 
engaged the hall for this evening, but here it is nearly eight 
o'clock and all I have heard from them is this case that came 
by express this afternoon with eight dollars charges on it ad- 
dressed to them. I supposed it was all right and paid the 
eight dollars. Anyhow, I've got the case, whatever there is in 
it — and it's heavy, too; it'll sure pay the rent and charges 
even if they don't turn up. Well, I shan't hang round here 
much longer waiting for them ; I'll just turn the key in the 
door to protect my property and run over to the store. They'll 
find me there if they want me. 

(He goes out and locks the door after him ; there is a brief 
pause and then the lid of the box is cautiously raised by 
some one inside it and the head of Dusty Bob appears in 
the opening and looks carefully about in all directions. 
Satisfied that the place is empty he climbs out of the box 

5 



6 THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

and looking back inside beckons to some one within to fol- 
low him. The head of Tired Tim promptly appears, 
nods questioningly and then the actor attached to it crawls 
out and beckons to a third tramp, who follows in the 
same fashion, a?id so on until the entire cast of characters 
has emerged upon the stage. During this entrance the 
characters that have appeared dust and adjust themselves, 
as if repairing the ravages of a journey. When the last 
one has appeared Dusty Bob speaks.) 

Dusty Bob. Well, boys, are you all here? I t'ought I 
missed some of youse in de box. 

(Cries of "Sure we are, 1 * " We're all right" etc.) 

Tired Tim. Where's Hooligan ? 

(Cries of " Da? s right, where 's old Hooligan ?" "He's 
lost, " « < He fell out o 1 dat knot-hole ,' ' etc. All look toward 
the case as the head of Happy Hooligan emerges.) 

Happy H. Ca'm yoursilves, me boys; Hooligan is all 
roight. Will ye lind me the loan of a hand, plase ? (Several 
do so, and with great difficulty a very fat Irishman, quite big 
enough to fill the whole case, is helped out.) T'anks, boys; 
an* w'ere were youse all in de box? I missed you since we 
lift Buffalo. 

Gentleman Jim. Shure ting ! We wuz all in de special 
Pullman. Pulled de company's leg all right on dis game, 
didn't we? 

Frosty Finnegan. I tink dat I will complain to de rail- 
road company dat dis Pullman wuz overcrowded. 

Dusty Bob. Gentlemen, if de raviges of de journey hev 
been repaired I tink we hed better perceed ter business before 
dat janiter comes back ter persent his bill. 

Chorus. Dat's so. We don't never pay no bills. He can't 
git ahead of dis crowd, etc. 

(All sprawl in chairs in slouching attitudes as if too lazy to 
sit up.) 

Dusty Bob (in spread eagle style). Gentlemen uv our most 
noble perfushion, we are met here to-day ter talk over some uv 
de difficulties uv dat same perfushion and ter devise ways and 
means by which our work — excuse me, gentlemen, work is % 



THE TRAMPS CONVENTION 7 

word cle bare mention uv which we must avoid as much ez 
possible — ter devise ways and means, I say, by which our callin' 
may hev a still more honored slandin' in de community and 
more and more members be attracted ter it. To dat end I, as 
yer honored preserdent, hev arranged a program dealin' wid 
some of de troubles and how ter overcome dem, and hev in- 
duced some ob de shiningest lights uv de perfession ter speak 
ter us. One uv de first troubles is de dorg, fur before yer can 
ax fur food er drink — do not misunderstand me, I do not mean 
water; I would not so insult dis intellergent company — er 
clothes, yer must settle wid de dorg, derfore de first number 
on de program is " How Ter Deal Wid de Dorg," and I hev de 
great pleasure ter interduce ter yer Happy Hooligan, who will 
guv yer his views on de subjick. 

Happy H. {making deep bow with hand on heart, hat falls 
off ; replaced with difficulty). I feel highly honored, gentle- 
men and leddies, if there should be any here in disguise, 
at bein' axed ter guv me views of der dorg question. It is a 
serious question in our perfession and must be met face ter face. 

Gentleman Jim. What yer guvin' us ? We don't want ter 
meet him face ter face. Wot we wants ter know is how not 
ter meet him face ter face. 

Chorus. Sure ting ! You bet ! Dat's de talk ! etc. 

Happy H. Hexcuse me, gentlemen, I would not say face 
ter face, neither would I say eye ter eye. I onct was told by 
a feller traveler — he died soon after, how I need not say — dat 
de superiority uv de human intelleckt wuz shown in de power 
ob de human eye ter restrain de ferocity uv a wild animal. 
Sez I, " How would it work wid a dorg? " Sez he, " You jest 
try it." Tinking of me subjick here ter-day and alius bein' 
willin' ter try experiments fur de good uv de perfession and 
knowin' dis wuz a subjick which must be solved, de nex' time 
I cum ter a house where dey kep' a dorg, sez I, "Now's de 
time ter try de power uv de human eye," but when I see dat 
dorg, 'bout four times ez big as a decent dorg oughter be, 
an' a reg'lar Amazon uv a female sayin', "Sick 'em, Tige," I 
wisht me eye wuz a good deal bigger so it would hev more 
power; an' when he cum at me like er cannon-ball, I got 
kinder scary 'bout holdin' dat dorg wid me eye. I don't tink 
a pair of ox's eyes could hev held dat cur, an' I started lively 
fur a tree ter try to get a chanct ter kerlect me scattered 
thoughts and tink wot sort uv an eye would hold dat sort uv 
er dorg, but de dorg's eye never lost its power and he hed me 



8 THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

by de leg before I could shin up, and de Amazon finally had 
ter pry him off w id a red-hot poker. Me friends, don't deal 
wid de dorg wid de human eye. Generally speakin', if a dorg 
wags his tail pleasantly it is safe ter go nearer, but if he growls 
yer better make tracks and not trust to de power uv yer eye. 

Hungry Dan. Mister Speaker, I'd like ter ax one ques- 
tion. If a dorg growls at one end and wags at de odder, 
which end are yer goin' ter trust ? 

Happy H. Honored gentleman, 'tis a question I'm glad 
ter hev axed, an' I will answer it in de words uv de — er — man 
who onct sed, "De only good Injun is a dead one." Dem's 
me sentiments about dorgs. De only good dorg is a ded dorg, 
so if ye're a good shot, dis little pome I've writ fur de occasion 
is de best answer to de question "How Ter Deal Wid de 
Dorg": 

Only a dorg in de gateway, 

Only a dorg, dat's all ; 
Only a bark at noonday, 
Only a fierce, wild waul. 

Only a tramp in terror, 

Only a reason flown ; 
Only a clutch convulsive, 

Only a brickbat thrown. 

Only a hurried arming, 

Only a hasty jog ; 
Only a corpse in de gateway, 

Only a safe, dead dorg. 

{Applause.') 

Dusty Bob. De tanks uv de audience is due dis gentleman 
fur his able treatment uv dis weighty subjick. De lesson we 
draw frum his remarks is not ter practise wid de eye when 
dealin' wid de dorg, but ter practise wid de arm. We are now 
ready fur de discussion uv de subjick. Are dere any questions 
er remarks about de dorg ? 

Sunny Mike. I wud like ter say dat I link it would be 
safer ter try our speaker's method uv dealin' wid de dorg if de 
dorg wuz chained up wid an ox-chain, coz yer might miss yer 
aim an' de dorg mightn't miss his. 

Gentleman Jim. I move dat a vote uv danks be offered de 



THE TRAMPS CONVENTION 9 

speaker fur riskin' life and limb fer de good uv de perfession in 
tryin' de power uv de human eye on de dorg. 

Chorus. Second de motion. 

Dusty Bob. It hes been moved and seconded dat a vote 
uv tanks be given our brudder fur his noble act. All dose in 
favor rise. 

Healthy Tim. Aw, wot yer guvin' us ? Dat's axin' too 
much. 

Chorus. Well, I guess. Axin' us ter git up ! Tink we're 
goin' ter do all dat work? Not on yer life, etc. 

Sunny Mike. Me teacher used ter say, " All things come 
ter him who waits," but I don't wait when I see er blear-eyed 
bulldorg in de door. I alius wuz generous. I'm willin' ter 
let de odder feller hev him. 

Dirty Joe. I went ter a house de odder day where dey 
hed a dog dey called Psalm. I axed dem how dey spelled dat 
name and dey said P-s-a-1-m — psalm. Now, I'd like ter know 
why dey called a dorg such a name as dat ? 

Happy H. Dat's easy. Dey called him Psalm, becuz it 
wasn't a him (hymn). 

Tired Tim. Mr. Moderator, do I look like either a dorg er 
a monkey ? 

Dusty Bob. Why are yer axin' ? 

Tired Tim. I wint ter a place yesterday and de woman 
cum to de door, looked me all over, den stuck a little piece uv 
glass in wan eye and looked me over again. Sez I, " Are yer 
near-sighted, ma'am?" "Yes," sez she, "and I can't make 
out whether ye're an ape or a puppy." 

(Laughter.) 

Hatless Hal. No compliment to de ape er de dorg, Tired. 

Dusty Rhodes. I owned a purp onct. 

Tramping Muggs. Stole him ? 

Dusty R. Nope, findin's keepin's. Made a good ting out 
uv dat dorg. Man come ter me, sez, "Yer dorg bit me 
mother-in-law yesterday." "All right," sez I; "s'pose yer 
cum ter collect damages. How much do yer want ? " " Naw," 
sez he, "I've cum ter buy de dorg." Sold him fur twenty 
dollars, and de man sed it wuz dirt cheap fur sich an inteller- 
gent animal. 

Frosty F. I lost my dog last week. What would yer do? 

Sunny Mike. Advertise fur him. 



10 THE TRAMPS CONVENTION 

Frosty F. Wot's de use? My dorg can't read advertise- 
ments. 

Lazy Logan. I wuz walkin' down Fifth Avenue yesterday 
whin a dorg came out uv a swell house. He looked like de 
kind dat de owner would pay a good reward fur, so I jest 
nabbed him. 

Hobo Jake. S'pose yer bought a paper dis mornin' ter see 
how many plunks de guy would guv fer de safe return ? 

Lazy Logan. I did thet. I will read you de ad. {Takes 
newspaper from pocket and reads J) " Warning. De dorg dat 
strayed from my house yesterday is of no value, not even ter 
de owner, but hevin' been experimented on fur medicinal pur- 
poses wid many deadly poisons, a lick from its tongue would 
prove fatal, so beware." 

Hatless Hal. Wot did yer do wid de cur? 

Lazy Logan. I let him stray back. Jest my luck. An 
honest man don't hev no chanct ter make a penny. 

Hungry Dan. Talkin' about animals, how can yer keep a 
horse from foamin' at de mouth ? 

Hobo Jake. Do yer horses trouble yer much dat way, 
Hungry ? 

Tramping Muggs. I'll tell yer how ter keep yer horses 
from foamin' at de mouth, Hungry. 

Hungry Dan. How ? 

Tramping Muggs. Teach 'em ter spit. 

Frowsy Filthy. Ye' re so good at answering questions, 
Muggs, try dis one 

Tramping Muggs. Let her go. 

Frowsy F. Wot's de difference between de quick an' de 
dead ? 

Tramping Muggs. Wot's de difference between de quick 
an' de dead ? I dunno. 

Frowsy F. Anybody here tell me de difference between de 
quick and de dead ? 

Chorus. Nope. Guv it ter us. Fire away, etc. 

Frowsy F. De quick are dose who get out uv de way uv 
automobiles, and de dead are dose who don't. See? 

Tattered Ragons. Dey do hev ter move mighty quick fur 
me numerous automobiles. 

Dusty Bob. Gentlemen, we must stick ter our subjick, the 
dorg. Are there any further questions er remarks about ther 
durned critter? 

Hobo Jake ? I would say fur de good uv de gentlemen here 



THE TRAMPS* CONVENTION II 

assembled dat de first question dey should ax when dey enter 
a town is, Is der any dogs in dis town ? 

Dusty Bob. Ain't dey a lot of dorgs in every town? 

Hobo Jake. Nope ; some towns are cur-few towns. 

(Tramping Muggs sprawls up slowly, examines Hobo Jake's 
head.) 

Tramping Muggs. Enlargement uv de gray matter — can't 
lib long. 

Hobo Jake. Shure, I'm good fer a year. Four doctors 
guv me tree months, and thet makes a year, don't it? 

Tattered R. Dat's like a bloke I knew, swallowed a 
foot rule and went off by inches. 

Dusty R. I knew a person onct dat swallered a termom- 
eter and died by degrees. 

Dirty Joe. Me pard swallered a revolver and went off 
easy. 

Sunny Mike. Remember Pete? 

Chorus. Sure. Yep. Where is he ? etc. 

Sunny Mike. He drank a quart uv whiskey and departed 
in good spirits. 

Dusty Bob. An honor ter de perfession ter de last. I'd 
like ter ax a question while we're on dis subjick. Wot happens 
when a person's temperature goes down as fur as it kin go? 

Healthy Tim. Has cold feet, uv course. 

Dusty Bob. Gentlemen, I must call yer ter order. Der 
dorg — any more remarks ? 

Gentleman Jim. I hed an orful good dorg onct. Dat dorg 
could tell a bum from a respectable person. 

Happy H. Wot did yer do wid him ? 

Gentleman Jim. He bit me. Had ter guv him away. 
Couldn't lose him. Yer could take him a mile away and he'd 
find me every time. Only way ter lose dat dorg would be ter 
take a bath, and thet's agin my principles. 

Dirty Joe. Say, do yer know dem Smiths on Pine Road? 
No use ter ever go der fer grub. Dey are vegetarians. 

Hatless Hal. Gee, dey has a dorg wot ain't no vege- 
tarian. 

Dirty Joe. Dat dorg's all right if you know him. 
Hatless Hal. P'raps he is, but if yer don't he's an awful 
backbiter. 

Dusty R. I went into a butcher shop onct and axed him 



11 TtfE TRAMP^ CONVENTION 

fur a pound uv dog meat, and he sez, " Shall I wrap it up or 
do yer want ter eat it here ? " 

Healthy Tim. I seen a man onct harnessing a dorg inter 
a little cart and tryin' ter make him draw it. I wanted ter be 
socerble, so I sez, " Will he draw?" "Yes," sez he, "he'll 
draw de attention of every durn fool dat passes." 

Dusty Bob. If dere are no furder remarks on de dorg we 
will go on to de nex' number on de program — " How Ter Git 
a Good Hand Out," and our esteemed brudder, Dirty Joe, has 
kindly consented ter guv us a little valuable advice on dis sub- 
jick. Dirty Joe now has de floor. Shall we guv him a hand 
clap fur welcome ? 

(A few clap very feebly, and in a tired manner.) 

Sunny Mike. Mr. Moderator, I tink you hev proved yer- 
self disqualified fer de high office ye hold. Onct you axed us 
ter rise, now you ax us ter clap. Dey both mean work. Dere- 
fore, gentlemen, I move dat Dusty Bob be put out and Lazy 
Logan, who wouldn't wink if he could help it, take his place. 

Chorus. Dat's de talk ! Dusty wants ter work us too 
hard, etc. 

Dusty Bob. I deserve de disgrace, and I ax yer pardon, 
gentlemen. 

Lazy Logan {stretching, yawning, partly rising, then sinking 
back). Naw, let Dusty keep it. I can't get up. 

Chorus. Guv Dusty another try, etc. 

Dusty Bob. I will be more careful of yer health in de fu- 
ture, gentlemen. Now, let us perceed. Dirty Joe, will you lie 
down on de floor while youse makes yer remarks ? 

Dirty Joe {getting up slowly and lazily). Naw, I kin stand 
a few minits. 

(Slouches on one foot, then on other, then puts hands to 
stomach as if in pain.) 

Dusty R. Better lie down, Dirty ; I wuz afeered it 
would be too hard work fur youse ter stand. 

Dirty Joe. No, I've just et a square meal. 

Hobo Jake. Wot's dat got ter do wid yer doubling up like 
er jack-knife? 

Dirty Joe. Well, yer see, it wuz a square meal, and de 
corners hurt me. 

Dusty Bob. Better call in a doctor, Dirty. 



THE TRAMPS* CONVENTION 1^ 

Dirty Joe. Wot's de use? I know more about it dan de 
doctor. 

Dusty Bob. How do you know more about it dan de 
doctor ? 

Dirty Joe. Haven't I inside information? 

Hatless Hal. I hed a doctor onct. 

Tramping Muggs. Did he cure you? 

Hatless Hal. Didn't guv him a chanct ter try. Axed 
him his name and he sed, "Killpatrick." Dat settled it. I 
told him ter leave at onct. 

Tramping Muggs. Wot difference did de name make ? 

Hatless Hal. Me name is Patrick, and did yez tink I 
wuz goin' ter let him kill Patrick ? 

Lazy Logan. Why are doctors alius bad characters ? 

Tired Tim. Dey ain't — alius. 

Lazy Logan. If dey's a success dey are. 

Sunny Mike. Wot's eatin' you ? Wot do yer know about 
success? As a success you've been a failure. 

Lazy Logan. Well, as a failure I've been a howling suc- 
cess. Yer didn't answer my question. Why are doctors alius 
bad characters ? 

Chorus. Guv it up. Chirp de answer, etc. 

Lazy Logan. Becoz de worse people are de more dey are 
wid them. (Gentleman Jim throws something at Lazy Logan, 
hitting him in the stomach.') Dat's de first thing I hev had in 
me stomach ter-day. 

Healthy Tim. Kin any one here tell me what's good fur a 
bald head ? 

Happy H. Dat's easy. Plenty uv hair is de best ting fur 
a bald head. 

Dirty Joe. Dey corners hab rubbed down now, so I will 
perceed. "How Ter Git a Good Hand Out" is me subjick, 
and I will firstly say dat de size and quantity uv de hand-out 
depends on de size and quantity uv de gray matter in de brain 
uv de person axin*. First apply a large amount of taffy like 
dis. A sour-lookin' woman uv uncertain age opens de door, 
you bow and say, " Is yer mother at home, miss? Perhaps she 
wouldn't like ter hev me ax so young a girl fur something ter 
eat. It might not be proper." Sez she, "I'm de mistress uv 
de house." Sez you, "Do my eyes deceive me? I tought 
youse were about sixteen." Sez she, "I do look young fer 
me age. I'm sometimes taken for my granddaughter." Sez 
you, " I don't doubt it." Sez she, " Sit down, me good man. 



14 THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

Wot would you like?" Dat's jest what I did onct. I set 
down when she axed me wot I liked, and sez I, "I'm not per- 
ticeler; yer beauty dazzles me so I don't care wot I eat. I'd 
like a little of everything." " Well, here's a piece uv mince- 
pie," sez she; "that's a little of everything — but don't you 
want something before ye hev your pie? You shall have a 
good dinner. Will you eat it here or do you want ter take it 
out? " " If you don't mind," sez I, " I'll do both. I'll eat it 
here, then take it out." "I hev calves' brains, chicken liver, 
pigs' feet," sez she. "Were you born dat way?" sez I. 
"And I hev some salad," sez she. "I'll hev some salad." 
She brought it on and de first mouthful I took I got a collar- 
button. "Wot's dis?" sez I. "Oh, dat's part uv de 
dressin'," sez she. Den she brought me some watermelon, 
but I wouldn't eat dat. 

Tattered R. Don't yer like watermelons? 

Dirty Joe. Yes, I like it all right, but I hate ter eat it 
'cause it wets me ears. Agin me principles ter wet de outside 
uv me body. 

Sunny Mike. I rise — jest imagine I do, feller members — 
ter remark dat Dirty Joe's methods don't alius work. I went 
ter a house de odder day, and sez I, "I won't trouble yer, 
beautiful maiden, ter cook a special order fer me, but hev you 
any cold vittles ? ' ' 

Dirty Joe. Didn't that touch her? 

Sunny Mike. Naw, I didn't even get de cold vittles. All 
I got was de cold shoulder. 

Gentleman Jim. I struck nine places fer me breakfast 
yesterday mornin', an' all de womin sed dey didn't hev nothin' 
'cause it was Lent. 

Healthy Tim. Why, dat's wot dey told me in de odder 
town ! 

Chorus. Me too. Just me luck, etc. 

Tired Tim. Cuz it wuz lent. Wot bothers me is who bor- 
rers all dat grub. I'd like ter find dat place. 

Frosty F. I must hev found de place, cuz a woman sed I 
looked deservin' and guv me a big piece uv pie. 

Lazy Logan. Deservin' of wot, Frosty ? 

Frosty F. Aw, come off. I sed, "I'm much obliged ter 
yer, but me mudder never allowed me ter eat pie widout a 
fork." "Well," sez she, "you jest amble along and you'll 
find a fork in de road a little furder along." 

Dusty Bob. Some folks is cruel. Our fraternity wouldn't 



THE TRAMPS CONVENTION 1 5 

hev ter ax fer a hand-out ef dey could only get a hand- in — ter 
some one's pocket. 

Hatless Hal. How'd yer get de black eye, Frowsy? 

Frowsy F. After dinin' sumptuously from de refrigerator, 
de merchant's wife pelted me wid flowers. 

Tattered R. Dat doesn't tell how yer got chopped up so. 
Flowers wouldn't mash yer mug. 

Frowsy F. Jest a little oversight. She forgot ter take dem 
out uv de pots. 

Dusty R. You've a pimple on yer nose, Frowsy. Wot's 
dat fur ? 

Frowsy F. Ter warn yer thet I'm sore on dat point. 

Hobo Jake. Hard luck, Frowsy. 

Frowsy F. Yes, I've hed hard luck lately. Went up ter a 
man wot hed a beneverlent face and sez I, "I'm crippled." 
" Too bad, too bad," sez he. " How are yer crippled? " " Fi- 
nancially crippled," sez I. "Can't yer guv a poor feller a 
lift?" "Not very well," sez de old guy, "cos I've only me 
slippers on, but if a little push will help yer any here it is," 
an' he shoved me inter de gutter. Den he sez, " Where are 
yer goin' ? " and I sez, "I'm goin' ter Canada, if my pants 
hold out." 

Tramping Muggs. I struck one of dem beneverlent kind 
and axed him fer a nickel and he sez, "Tell de truth, now. 
Yer a perfessionai beggar, ain't yer ? " "I used ter tink dat I 
wuz, but since two cents is all I hev ter show fer me day's 
labor, I am forced to de sad conclusion dat I am merely a 
bungling amatoor." 

Dusty Bob. I tink dat Dirty Joe hed another point ter guv 
us on de food question. Dat so, Dirty? 

Dirty Joe. Yep. I told yer ter pile on de taffy thick, 
praise her eyes, her hair, her purty hands an' her dainty foot, 
den if dat don't work jest try a little gag about wot de neigh- 
bors say, and de hand-out '11 cum all right. I struck a town 
onct where de doors slammed kinder lively in me face, so I set 
me down and tinks wot ter do at de nex' place. Den I knocks 
at de door, de door opens and I sez, "Madam, hev you er 
dinner fer a hungry man ? I don't tink you hev, though. 
De woman next door sed you didn't hev enough fur yourselves. 
Excuse me, madam, fur axing. I mistook de house." Gee, I 
got de best meal dere I'd hed fur a month. 

Hungry Dan. I used part of dem same words onct. I sed, 
''JV|adam ; hev you er 6lpmv fur a hungry man?" An' §he. 



l6 THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

sez, wid fire in her eyes, " Yes, I hev, an' he's comin' home 
very soon ter eat it." 

Dirty Joe. Anodder point I would like ter make is if yer 
strike foreigners and dey don't understand de language, make 
signs and you will get wot youse wants. 

Hatless Hal. I must disagree wid de elerquent speaker 
on dat point. I wuz in Mexico onct an' I wanted a glass of 
milk. I went through all de motions but de leddy didn't catch 
on, den I drew a picture of a cow on de door and she smiled, 
nodded her head, went off and brought me back two tickets 
fer a bull fight. 

Frowsy F. Guess yer artistic talent was never developed, 
Hatless. Say, I see a millionaire ter-day. 

Happy H. Wot did he look like ? 

Frowsy F. Not er bit fatter' n you an' me. 

Sunny Mike. Some turrible hard-hearted folks in dis cold 
world. Can't seem ter touch 'em any way. 

(Shakes head dejectedly.') 

Hungry Dan. I run up agin a guy de odder day — looked 
as if de sympathy gag would work wid him, so I sez, in pleadin' 
tones, "Please, mister, I didn't hev no dinner." "Well, yer 
in luck," sez he. "I hed one an' it's given me dyspepsia so 
bad I kin hardly walk. You're a lucky dog," an' off he 
walked. 

Dirty Joe. Anodder way is ter tell 'em yer will make de 
food go as fur as possible. Dat appeals to de thrifty people. 
And, gentlemen, alius keep dat promise. I promised a thrifty 
woman onct dat I would do dat and she guv me a hull loaf of 
stale bread, so I jest left it in de car. 

Tired Tim. I don't see how dat kep' yer promise. 

Dirty Joe. Sure ting ! Wasn't that makin' it go as fur ez 
possible ? It went to de end uv de car line. Den try de good 
family an' better days gag on some uv de blokes. Tell 'em 
yer come frum a very fine family. 

Tattered R. Dey family wuz tickled ter death when yer 
cum, I bet, Dirty. 

Dirty Joe. I told dat to a lady onct, an' she sez, "Poor 
feller, could yer eat some honey in de comb?" "Yes, 
madam," sez I, "I could eat it in de brush." After I got me 
clutches on it, she sez, "Wot family did yer come from?" 
"From de Van Dusens— nex' door, I cum quick, too, fer 



THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 1 7 

Mr. Van Dusen kicked me most uv de way over." Den she 
unfeelingly slammed de door in me face. 

Frowsy F. I told some one onct I could trace me ancestry 
back ter Noah, and sez she, "I don't doubt it; yer look as if 
yer were afraid of water." 

Hobo Jake. A leddy told me onct dat I looked ez if I hed 
seen better days. " Yes," sez I, " onct I wouldn't hev et such 
miserable soup as dis you've handed out. Dat wuz a purty 
light meal fur me, though, fer she knocked de soup out uv me 
hands, called her old man, an' he made me eat me words, so 
den I jest et a piece uv sponge, drank a glass uv water an' hed 
a swell dinner. 

Tired Tim. I met a generous woman de odder day — guv 
me a boiled dinner. 

Hatless Hal. Corned beef an' cabbage ? 

Tired Tim. Nope, boiled water — good and hot, too. 

Hungry Dan. Hear about Tramping Muggs ? 

Chorus. Naw. Wot's he been doin' ? etc. 

Hungry Dan. He wuz passin' a dry-goods store, saw 
some Turkish towels in de winder, went in an' axed how much 
dey wanted a pound fer de tripe. 

Tramping Muggs. Come off ! Dat wuzn't so bad as de 
break yer made. 

Chorus. Wot did he do ? 

Tramping Muggs. He saw some cocoanuts in a store an* 
axed de price uv de pertaters wid de hair on. 

Lazy Logan. Say, here's a good one on Frosty. 

Chorus. Spit it out. Cough it up, etc. 

Lazy Logan. He axed de hired girl if he could get a bite 
dere. "Naw," sez she, "we ain't got anything on de place 
dat would bite such a dirty-lookin' ting as you." 

Dirty Joe. One point in conclusion — tell dem dat you are 
lookin' fer food like mudder used ter make, and dat she looks 
like de person dat could cook it dat way. Dat usually brings 
out de best in de house, but onct when I tried it de pie she 
brought out wuz a disappointment. Sez I, " Madam, dis pie 
is jest like wot me mudder used ter make." " Yer don't say," 
sez she. "Yes, ma'am," sez I; "it was dat thet druv me 
from me happy home." Dese few points I hev given yer I 
hope will prove uv benefit ter yer in gittin' a good hand-out. 
I tank youse all fer yer kind attention ter me remarks. 

Frowsy F. Ye're all right, Dirty ; dem wuz mighty good 
idees, 



l8 THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

Dusty Bob. Yer kin imagine tremendous applause, Dirty. 
I know dey feel it in der hearts if dey are too weary ter express 
it wid der hands. De time is goin', so we will hurry on to de 
nex' number. We hev disposed uv de dorg, hed something 
ter eat — now about something ter drink. Our beloved friend 
and co-worker will guv us his toughts on dat subjick. I hev 
de pleasure uv presentin' ter yer Hobo Jake. 

Hobo Jake {slouching up). I'm afeered me voice is not in 
de best uv trim — ahem — fer public speakin', owin' ter de many 
demands dat hev been made upon it. De reason Dusty Bob 
axed me ter speak on dis subjick here is becuz he knows I re- 
semble de camel in one respect ; — I kin go a long time widout 
water either internally or externally. I hev a few remarks ter 
make jest ter formally open de discussion. Dey say whiskey 
has killed more men dan bullets ever did. My only answer to 
dat is thet I would ruther be full uv whiskey dan bullets. In 
fact I'd like ter be a straw hat, coz it's gettin' "blowed-off " 
all de time. I don't like ter visit Nantasket when I haven't de 
price uv a drink in me jeans 'cause de waves make me so 
thirsty. 

Tired Tim. Hexcuse me fer interruptin' dis most interestin* 
number on de program, but I'd like ter know why de waves 
make you thirsty ? Dey's only water. 

Hobo Jake. De foam on dem, me friend, de foam. De 
foam reminds me so strongly uv beer. 

Healthy Tim. How'd yer like ter be one of them 'ere 
swell dudes wot has their alcohol bath every day ? 

Hobo Jake. Inside er out ? I'll take my alcohol bath in- 
side — like dat kind uv er bath several times a day. 

Sunny Mike. Did yer know a man could get drunk on 
water, Hobo? 

Hobo Jake. Wot yer givin' us ? 

Chorus. Come off ! Yer can't get drunk on water. 

Sunny Mike. Sure ting ! Can't yer git drunk on water as 
well ez on land ? Guess you've never been off on one uv dose 
swell yachts. 

Hobo Jake. Well, give me booze. I ain't hed no respect 
fer water since I saw de sign, "Water Works." 

Tramping Muggs. Dere great people up in Schoodic. Dey 
guv me more dan I could drink last time I wuz there. 

Lazy Logan. Say, Muggs, wot did yer say wuz de name 
uv dat place? Guess I'll beat it fer dere. Guv you, njore'rj 
yer could drink ! Wot did yer ax. 'em fer } 






THE TRAMPS CONVENTION t<) 

Tramping Muggs. Axed fer a glass uv water and dey 
chucked a hull bucket over me. 

Hobo Jake. Served yer jest right fer axin' fer such a ting. 
I heard de odder day dat Mr. Johnson got knocked out by 
hard drink. 

Tattered R. Mr. Johnson ! I tought he wuz one of dem 
prohibition guys — knocked out by hard drink 1 How did it 
happen ? 

Hobo Jake. Got hit on de head by an icicle — knocked 
him senseless. Ain't dat bein' knocked out by hard drink? 
Mighty hard if I hed ter drink it. De minister sed to me 
onct, "I hear dat you inherited yer taste fer liquor. I'm 
sorry fer yer." "Yer needn't be sorry fer that, mister," sez 
I; "jest be sorry dat I didn't inherit anyting ter pay fer de 
liquor." 

Chorus. Dat wot's de matter. Right yer be, Hobo. 

Dirty Joe. Onct I hed more money dan I knew wot ter do 
wid. 

Chorus. Wot yer givin' us ? Come auf ! etc. 

Dirty Joe. Fact. I found a quarter in a temperance town. 

Hatless Hal. Dat wuzn't in Bingville. 

Tired Tim. A lady offered me a dime onct if I'd promise 
not ter get drunk on it. 

Gentleman Jim. Did yer take it ? 

Tired Tim. Sure ! I couldn't get drunk on a dime, could I ? 

Hobo Jake. A word uv advice about choosin' beer. Good 
beer is alius dark. Beware of adulterations. Don't %€LpaU beer. 

Dusty R. Yer git more dat way. 

Hobo Jake. Wot way ? 

Dusty R. In a pail, uv course. 

Hobo Jake. I hev only a few words more ter say. If I 
wuzn't so highly civilized I'd ruther be an Esquimo den any 
odder kind uv a savage, cuz I wuz just readin' dat dey don't 
take a bath but onct a year. 

Chorus. Onct a year ? Golly ! I wouldn't be no Esquimo, 
etc. 

Frowsy F. Onct I went down ter Coney Island wid me 
chum — saw all de swells in bathing. 

Hatless Hal. S'pose yer went in, hey, Frowsy? 

Frowsy F. Not on yer life. Me chum wanted me ter try 
it, but I looked up de street a little way an' saw a sign wot 
saved me life. 

Lazy Logan. Wot wuz de sign ? 



20 THE TRAMPS CONVENTION 

Frowsy F. "Cleanin' and dyin'." "Dere," sez I ter 
him, " ' Cleanin' an' dyin'.' I alius sed dey went tergether." 
" Well," sez he, "I'll make a bet dat I am dirtier dan you." 
" Why not? " sez I. "Ain't yer tree years older? " 

Hungry Dan. A woman onct axed me how old I wuz. 
"Twenty-seven," sez I. "Mercy," sez she, "how could you 
get so dirty in twenty-seven years ? " 

Healthy Tim. Better go out in a rain-storm, Hungry. 
Out in our country it rains sometimes fer three months steady. 

Sunny Mike. Not fer me. Wot do dey raise dere ? 

Healthy Tim. Umbrellas, mostly. 

Tired Tim. I'm nervous about dis bein' on de water. A 
feller hasn't much chanct if de boat sinks. 

Frosty F. Not er blamed bit. If it sinks it puts yer right 
down in de water and you've jest got to take a bath whether 
yer want ter or not. 

Tattered R. If I wuz ter commit suicide at sea I'd jump 
from de bow uv de boat. 

Dusty R. Wot difference would dat make? Why not 
jump from de stern ? 

Tattered R. If I jumped from de stern I couldn't avoid 
de wash. See? 

Hobo Jake. Jest let me guv yer anodder pointer. If yer 
find yerself near a saloon wid no coin, jest try workin' de 
saloonkeeper — make him tink you used ter know him, wuz a 
member uv his lodge, onct saved his life unknown ter him, den 
tell him he doesn't look like de kind uv a chap dat would see 
a feller brudder sufferin' fer a drink and 

Tramping Muggs. Aw, I tried that racket onct but it 
didn't work. I sez, "Yer wouldn't see a man sufTerin' fer a 
drink, would yer ? " " Are you sufferin' ? " sez he. " Yes," 
sez I. "Well, go outside and suffer," sez he. "I don't allow 
it in here." 

Hungry Dan. I went inter a drug store de odder day ter 
git something ter brace up me nerves. Sez de fly clerk at de 
soda fountain, "What'll yer hev?" Sez I, "I don't know. 
Wot would you take if you were me? " He looked at me a 
minute and sez he, " Poison." 

Hobo Jake. I tink I hev given yer all de help I kin on de 
drink question. My partin' words is, Let water alone, exter- 
nally, internally, now and forever. I'm no hog myself. I 
don't want de earth, jest guv me de land and I'll let de odder 
feller hev de water. 



THE TRAMPS* CONVENTION 21 

Hungry Dan. I told me wife onct dat I wuz alius gittin' 
inter hot water. 

Hatless Hal. Did she believe it? 

Hungry Dan. Dunno. Sed she didn't believe it would do 
me much harm ter get inter it a little oftener jedgin' by 
appearances. 

Frowsy F. Didn't know you were married, Hungry. 

Hungry Dan. Oh, yes, I'm married and my wife is alius 
axin' me fer money — money, money, money all de time. 

Gentleman Jim. Wot does she do wid it all ? 

Hungry Dan. I dunno. I ain't never give her any. 

Frowsy F. Dese wives makes lots uv trouble fer a poor 
man. My wife is alius scoldin' if I'm out late er take a drop. 
Got ahead uv her good one night. 

Healthy Tim. How'd yer do it ? 

Frowsy F. I been out late, hed a little ter drink and knew 
I'd get a lecture if de old woman wuz awake, so I tuk off me 
shoes and crept up, but she wuz half awake, and sez she, tink- 
ing it wuz de dorg, " Is dat you, Fido? " 

Sunny Mike. Guess you got de lecture all right. 

Frowsy F. Naw, I didn't ; I hed great presence of mind 
and jest licked her hand, and she turned over and went ter 
sleep. Are yer married, Lazy ? 

Lazy Logan. Yep. 

Frosty F. How'd yer meet yer affinity? 

Lazy Logan. She wuz sittin' on a rock near de shore one 
day readin', an' wuz so interested dat she didn't see de tide 
come in till it wuz all around de rock. Den she hid her face 
in her hands and cried. I wuz out in a boat and see a woman 
dere, so I rowed up ter help her. She didn't see me comin', 
an' wuz sobbin' an' yellin' out — " Am I to get no succor ? Am 
I to get no succor?" 

Frosty F. Oh, I see, you were de sucker. 

Lazy Logan. Yep, I wuz de sucker. Are you hitched, 
Frosty ? 

Frosty F. Nope ; come pretty near it onct. 

Tired Tim. Tell us about it. 

Frosty F. I'd been goin' wid a girl fur some time and 
tought she wuz dead mashed on me, but I couldn't get up me 
courage ter perpose ter her — ev'ry time I tried it me heart would 
come up in me troat big as a watermelon. I finally tought I'd 
perpose by telerphone, so I called her up an' sez, " Is dis Miss 
Amelia Manley ? " " Yes," sez she, sweet as honey. "Will 



22 THE TRAMPS* CONVENTION 

you marry me?" sez I. "Marry you? Yes, sartainly," sez 
she. " I'll marry you any time yer want me ter, but who is 
dis gentleman wot's axin' me?" I didn't marry her. Me 
faith in woman was destroyed forever. 

Lazy Logan. Hard luck, Frosty. 

Frosty F. Yes, it wuz ; she hez a good job now, and might 
be supportin' me in fine style. 

Tattered R. I see by de papers dat dey are tinking uv 
doin' away wid all de telegraph poles. Ain't it a shame ter 
deprive so many men uv der sole means uv support ? 

Hobo Jake. A man guv me a counterfeit half dollar de 
odder day. S'pose he tought dat would support me. 

Tramping Muggs. Why is dat counterfeit half dollar like 
Murphy's saloon ? 

Hobo Jake. I don't see why it is like Murphy's saloon. 

Tramping Muggs. Cos yer can't pass it and yer can't pass 
de saloon. 

Hungry Dan. I hed a swell lookin' guy hand me a measly 
nickel de odder day. " My man," sez he, in a top- lofty man- 
ner, "here is a nickel fur you." " One question, sir," sez I. 
"Are youse Mr. Rockefeller? " "Why, no," sez he. "Den 
I will accept yer gift wid pleasure. I wuz afeerd it wuz tainted 
money," sez I. 

Hatless Hal. I axed a bloke if he could change a dollar 
fer me. "Yes," sez he. "Tanks," sez I, "and now kin yer 
tell me where I kin git de dollar ter change? " 

Frowsy F. Did he hand it over? 

Hatless Hal. Nope ; he handed me over ter de perlice. 

Dusty Bob. Hatless Hal's remark leads naturally to de 
nex' number on our program : " How Ter Deal Wid de 
Perlice." Gentleman Jim hez kindly offered ter open dat 
discussion. Gentleman Jim. 

Gentleman Jim. I've been so busy dodgin' de cops dat I 
haven't had time to give dis matter de attention it deserves. 

Healthy Tim. Tought I hedn't seen yer since yer stole 
dem shoes more'n a month ago. 

Gentleman Jim. Nope, dey pinched me. Dey took me 
into court and de judge sed, "Wot brought yer here?" 
"Two policemen," sez I. "Drunk, I suppose?" sez he. 
" Yep, both of them," sez I. 

Chorus. Bright boy, Jimmie. Good fer you, etc. 

Sunny Mike. Wot was de charge again youse ? 

Gentleman Jim. I swiped a handful uv peanuts off a fruit 



THE TRAMPS CONVENTION 23 

stand, an' de charge wuz impersonating Policeman Tilson 
{local). Der wuz anudder guy wot hed been arrested an' de 
jedge sed ter him, "Where do you lib?" " Nowhere," sez 
he. Den he axed me, " Where do you live? " " I've got de 
room above him," sez I. " Do you associate wid dis man? " 
sez he. " Naw," sez I. "I never associate wid me inferiors, 
do you?" He put one of dem one-eyed jiggers in his eye, 
looked me over and sez he, " Really, I can't say. I don't think 
I've ever met any of your inferiors." 

Sunny Mike. Wot was de udder guy up fer ? 

Gentleman Jim. Fer stealin' a bicycle. He tought he'd 
try de pious gag — said he belonged to de army uv de Lord. 

Dirty Joe. Did it work ? 

Gentleman Jim. Naw ; de jedge jest told him he wuz a 
mighty long ways from headquarters den. 

Tired Tim. How do we know dat Job had a bicycle, gen- 
tlemen ? 

Frosty F. Who wuz Job ? 

Lazy Logan. Wot wuz his odder name ? 

Tired Tim. Aw, come off. Job wuz a man in de Bible. 

Chorus. Oh, is dat so ? How'd you know ? etc. 

Tired Tim. I axed yer how we knowed Job hed a bicycle. 

Tattered R. Yer'll hev ter put us wise on dat. 

Tired Tim. Coz he said, " Oh, Lord, let out fer my 
safety." Here's anodder : When is baseball first mentioned 
in de Bible? 

Chorus. We don't know nothin' about dat. 

Tired Tim. When de prodigal made a home run, uv course. 

Gentleman Jim. I got arrested onct fer stealing nine bot- 
tles uv beer, but dey couldn't hold me. 

Happy H. Why not? 

Gentleman Jim. Dey couldn't make a case out uv nine 
bottles, could they? 

Happy H. I fell down hill onct wid ten bottles uv beer an' 
I never broke one. 

Hatless Hal. How did dat happen ? 

Happy H. I had 'em all inside uv me. 

Hobo Jake. Why should Dentist Smith (local) belong to 
our fraternity ? 

Tramping Muggs. Of course he can't — he works. 

Hobo Jake. He lives from hand ter mouth, don't he ? Say, 
Tramping Muggs, are dose tears runnin' down yer face? 

Tramping Muggs, Yep; I wuz tinkin' of me brudder, A 



24 THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

horse run away wid him, threw him out uv de wagon an' he's 
been laid up fer six months. 

Hobo Jake. Cheer up, Muggsie, me brudder hed a tum- 
ble accident, too, only his wuz different. He run away widde 
horse and he's laid up fer ten years an' yer don't see no briny 
runnin' down me face, do youse ? 

Dusty R. Yer didn't tell us wot de jedge did ter yer, Gen- 
tleman Jim. 

Gentleman Jim. Naw, dese guys broke in on me story. 
Den de jedge sez ter me, " How did yer lose yer hair ? Lice ? " 
"No," sez I, "worry." "Worry about wot?" sez he. 
"About losin' my hair," sez I. 

Hungry Dan. Speakin' uv hair makes me tink uv de time 
I went in ter hev me hair cut. 

f Hatless Hal. What' re yer givin' us? Youse never had a 
hair cut in yer life. 

Hungry Dan. Naw, but I tried ter onct. Went inter a 
barber shop and de barber said, "Do you want a hair cut?" 
" I tink I'll hev 'em all cut." " All right," sez he, " dat will 
be fifty cents." "Why, yer sign says * First-Class Hair Cut, 
Twenty-five Cents.'" " Dat's all right," sez he, "but yer 
don't call yer hair fi rst-class, do yer?" 

Tired Tim. I wuz walkin' down de street one day when a 
boy axed me wot time it wuz. " Ten minutes ter twelve," sez 
I. " Well, at twelve o'clock get yer hair cut," sez he, den he 
run and I run after him. A perliceman stopped me and axed 
me wot was de matter. "See dat boy?" "Yes," sez he. 
" He axed me wot time it wuz, and when I told him ten min- 
utes ter twelve he told me ter get me hair cut at twelve," I 
sed. "Well," sez he, " wot are yer runnin' fer? You've got 
eight minutes yet." 

Gentleman Jim. Mr. Moderator, dese folks keep inter- 
ruptin' me talk on de court. 

Dusty Bob. Will de gentlemen come ter order? Dat jani- 
tor will be comin' back before we hev finished dis valerble 
meetin'. Go on, Gentleman Jim. 

Gentleman Jim. De jedge sed, " Jedgin' frum de appear- 
ance uv your nose I should say you hed been drinkin' pretty 
hard." " Yer honor," sez I, "it is wrong ter jedge by appear- 
ances." "Yes," sez he, "maybe yer nose is like our gas 
meter — it registers more dan it consumes." His insultin' re- 
mark made me mad an' I began yellin'. " Wot are yer yelhV 
at? " sez he, " At de top of me voice," sez I. 



THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 25 

Fkowsy F. Used some pretty high words, Jim, I reckon ? 

Happy H. (tvho has been asleep and snoring, wakes up). 
I hear dat Teddy Roosevelt gets a dollar a word. 

Gentleman Jim. Dat's nuthin'. De jedge give me ten 
dollars a sentence. 

Happy H. I sued a man onct fer defamation uv character 
— sued him fer a tousand dollars, and de jedge gave me 
thirty. 

Sunny Mike. Gee, thirty thousand ! 

Happy H. Nope, thirty days. 

Dirty Joe. How fast nab you ever traveled, Happy ? 

Happy H. Oh, I've traveled at de rate uv sixty miles an 
hour. 

Dirty Joe. Dat's nuthin'. I've traveled so fast I couldn't 
see trees or telegraph poles. 

Tired Tim. How was dat ? 

Dirty Joe. I wuz locked up in a box car. 

Dusty Bob. Dis is worse dan a church sewin' circle. I 
shall hev ter call dis meetin' ter order again. Gentleman Jim, 
perceed. 

Gentleman Jim. I want ter hold up ter yer for an example 
Hungry Hooker, who is a credit to de fraternity, an' I want 
yer ter emulate his noble deeds. He could steal de soda right 
out uv a biscuit widout breakin' de crust. De only men wot 
are sure uv escapin' de cops, de jedges and de court are men 
such as dis little pome tells about. In conclusion I will read 
it to yer. (Reads.} 

"WE ALL KNOW 'EM 
" There is a man in our town, his like is hardly known, 
He never drinks nor smokes nor swears, and always stays at 

home, 
He never chews nor lies nor fibs nor does a thing that's 

wrong, 
That's why I write this little verse, to remember him in song. 
He's paralyzed. 

" There is another man in town who also is all right, 

His wife can always tell you where you'll find him any 

night, 
He never flirted, praised nor fawned upon a maiden fair, 
Won't even look at beauty, nor at wealth of golden hair. 
He's blind. 



26 THE TRAMPS* CONVENTION 

" There's a man who lives on Cay-Hill Street, won't listen to 
a thing, 
The gossips may keep gossiping until they make things ring, 
Won't go to hear good preaching, nor music, nor the band, 
Won't cross the street if Sembrich were singing at the 
'Grand.' 

He's deaf. 

" There also was a man in town who combines them all above, 
And went a step beyond them — wouldn't even fall in love. 
He was a model man for sure, as you may well suspect, 
Belonged to a peculiar class — just one of the Elect. 
He's dead." 

Hobo Jake. I rise ter remark dat de subjick uv cops, 
courts and jedges is very distasteful to me esthetic nature, an' 
I move we say no more about them. 

Chorus. Dat's so ! Choke it ! Can it ! Cut it out ! 
etc. 

Dusty Bob. As we don't lib in de Garden of Eden and 
can't wear fig leaves, de matter uv clothes is a troublesome one 
and Frowsy Filthy will next tell us some methods uv gettin' 
our clutches on dem. 

Frowsy F. {with outer pair of pants half way to knees ; 
bowing to floor). I'm not a tramp. I'm a lily. I toil 
not, neither do I spin and yet I venture ter say old Solo- 
mon in all his glory wuz not arrayed like unto me. Look at 
me pants. I axed a woman if she hed any old pants and she 
handed dese out and sez, " Here's a pair uv me husband's yer 
kin hev. I washed dem and dey shrunk so he can't wear 
'em." "I'll take dem, ma'am," sez I, "and I'll take care 
not ter shrink dem anymore." If any uv de members here 
assembled are in need uv underclothes I kin help dem in dat 
line. I notis dat de odder speakers guv us a lot uv hot air, 
but I will give you de goods. 

Healthy Tim. I need a pair uv trousers, Filthy. Me 
courage is rather poor about axin' fur dem articles since me 
last experience. 

Frowsy F. How's dat ? 

Healthy Tim. I went up ter a door and read de door-plate 
which sed Dr. Brown. "Jest de one," sez I; "he'll hev 
plenty." So I rung de bell an' a pretty young lady opened 



THE TRAMPS CONVENTION 2J 

de door. Sez I, " Will yer kindly ax de doctor if he hez a 
pair uv old trousers he will give ter me? " " I'm de doctor," 
sed she, smilin', an' I skidooed. 

Frowsy F. (taking off one pair of pants). Here you are, 
Healthy, I berlieve in practical philanthropy. 

Sunny Mike. If you've got a coat ter spare, Filthy, I 
could use it. De las' place I stopped at de woman sez, "Dat 
coat you hev on is pretty well worn out." "Yes," sez I, "I 
fear it is on de bum." " It surely is on a bum," sez she. I 
tought her remarks were gettin' too personal an' I left in 
haughty silence. 

Frowsy F. I hev plenty uv coats. (Takes off one.) Does 
dis one match yer complexion ? 

Sunny Mike {trying on, looking it over carefully). I tink 
it is very becomin' an' I tank you, Frowsy. 

Tired Tim. Ain't got an extry overcoat, hev yer, 
Filthy? 

Frowsy F. Nope, I'm a little shy on dat article at present. 
Ain't hed very good luck on dem. Went up to a door de 
odder day an' saw de name Jones on de door so I rung de bell 
and sed ter de leddy dat come, " Madam, yer husband, Mr. 
Jones, hez sent me fur his overcoat." " Oh, he did, did he? 
Well, he's been dead five years and I'd been expectin' he'd 
send fur his linen duster an' a palm-leaf fan." 

Frosty F. Any extry underclothes ? 

Frowsy F. Now yer talkin'. I've got on eight suits uv 
underclothes and I'm so hot I kin hardly shiver when tryin' ter 
touch some guy fer a nickel. 

Frosty F. I kin take care uv one fer yer. One' 11 last me 
a year. I'll meet you round de corner after dark. 

Lazy Logan. How do yer like dem new-fangled combina- 
tion suits dey call dem ? 

Tattered R. Aw, it's all right but I've worn one two 
years an' I can't get it off. 

Lazy Logan. Why not ? 

Tattered R. Oh, I've lost de combination. 

Hobo Jake (pulling bottle out of Tramping Muggs' pocket, 
whispering to Hungry Dan). Here's Tramping Muggs' 
bottle. I'm burnin' wid thirst but if I take a drink out uv it 
he'll be noticin' it right away. 

Hungry Dan. Why don't yez take it out of de bottom UV 
de bottle, den he won't notis it. 

FIobo Jake, Sure ting. 



28 THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

{Both drink and return bottle slyly to Tramping Muggs' 
pocket.} 

Frowsy F. I axed a woman fer a pair uv shoes yesterday 
and she sed she'd jest lost a five dollar bill and couldn't afford 
ter give me any shoes. "Where did you lose it, ma'am?" 
sez I. " I tought I put it in de dictionary," sez she, "but I 
can't find it." "A five dollar bill," sez I; "did yer look 
among de V's?" "I never tought uv that," sez she, so she 
looked and dere it wuz, an' she guv me dese shoes, den I 
went to a clothin' store and tried on a coat and vest. De boss 
hed ter go ter de back uv de store fer something, so I run out 
uv de store wid de coat and vest on. De boss called " Thief ! 
thief!" and de cop pulled his revolver an' chased me. Dat 
revolver scared de boss an' he yells out, "Shoot him in de 
pants ! Shoot him in de pants ! De coat an' vest berlong ter 
me." 

Tramping Muggs. Did de cop get yer ? 

Frowsy F. Nope. Ever know a cop ter catch anything ? 

Hungry Dan. I went into a store onct an' looked over 
some shirts. I sed ter de fresh lookin' young guy dat acted as 
if he hated ter come near me, " Hev you any clean shirts ready 
ter wear? " " Yes, plenty uv them," sez he. " Well," sez I, 
"you'd better go and put one uv dem on," an' I went out. 
Guess dat took a little conceit out uv him. 

Frowsy F. Any one else who would like er coat, vest, 
pants, stockin's, er any other articles uv clothin' ? 

Chorus. I'll hev a coat. I'll hev a pair uv pants. I'll 
hev some stockin's, etc., etc. 

(Frowsy F. takes off coat after coat, vest after vest, pants 
after pants, stockings, caps, and fits them all out.) 

Frowsy F. Actions speak louder dan words, an' I tink I 
hev solved de clothes problem for dese gentlemen fer de winter, 
Mr. Moderator, so I will perceed ter set down after remarking 
dat I still hev several suits uv underclothes which I will give 
ter any members who will meet me in de dark. 

Dusty Bob. Dis meetin' is truly wot might be called a 
howlin' success. Hatless Hal hez kindly consented ter sing 
ter us and will now favor us wid a selection. 

(Hatless Hal sings any song desired.) 

Happy H. How I envy Hatless Hal, 



THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 2() 

Gentleman Jim. Wot fur? I tought he hed a mighty 
poor voice. 

Happy H. It isn't his voice I envy. It's his nerve. 

Dusty Bob. Don't be alarmed, gentlemen, when I an- 
nounce dat de nex' number on de program is Work. 

Chorus. We don't want ter hear dat. What kind uv a 
preserdent are yer ? etc. 

Dusty Bob. Not how ter get work but how ter get rid uv 
it. Does dat suit de assembled congregation ? 

Chorus. Dat's all right ! Speel away, etc. 

Dusty Bob. All right. Tattered Ragons will now perceed 
ter tell us " How Ter Get Rid uv Work When Offered." 

Tattered R. I know, gentlemen, dat I come ter you under 
a cloud, as it were, as de word work comes in de title uv me 
subjick, but if you will kindly guv me yer attention, I tink I 
kin convince you that me an' work ain't an' never has been on 
friendly terms, and I tink also I kin guv yer a few tips on how 
ter avoid it as I hev been very successful in dat line fer many 
years. 

Chorus. Dat's de talk! Tatters is all right! Blow off 
yer steam ! etc. 

Tattered R. Dis little article I will read ter you in de first 
place as it expresses me sentiments. (Reads.) "How much 
pleasanter it is to swing in a hammock and watch a man strug- 
gling with a lawn-mower, and think how much pleasanter it is 
to swing in a hammock and watch a man struggling with a 
lawn-mower than it is to struggle with a lawn-mower and think 
how much pleasanter it would be to swing in a hammock and 
watch a man struggling with a lawn-mower than it is to struggle 
with a lawn-mower." 

Healthy Tim. Wot do yer know about a lawn-mower, 
Tattered ? 

Tattered R. Ain't de leddies alius sayin' dey'll give yer 
a good meal if you'll mow de lawn? Now fer me first point 
in avoidin' work, look over de place carefully ter make sure 
dere ain't a blade uv grass ter be cut, den ring de bell an' ax 
if dey will give you a dinner if you will cut de lawn. Dey will 
tell yer dey hevn't any lawn ter cut; den you kin chirp, 
"Well, leddy, won't yer give me a piece uv pie fer bein' 
willin' ter cut yer lawn if yer hed one ? " Dat'll fetch 'em. 

Sunny Mike. I tink dat is a good point an' I shall profit 
by it in de future. A leddy onct wuz tryin' ter mow her lawn 
wid a squeaky lawn-mower, so I cum out from me retirement, 



30 THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 

an' sez I, "Guv me dat lawn-mower fer a few minutes." 
"Wot," sez she, "are yer really goin' ter work it fer me? 
How nice uv you ! " " Don't malign me character, madam," 
sez I. "I hev no idee uv pushin' it, but I will put a few drops 
uv oil on it if you will kindly hand me the oil can. De 
squeakin' disturbs me slumbers back in de strawberry patch." 

Dirty Joe. Some folks are alius disturbin' our slumbers — 
I wuz hevin' a nice nap in a haymow one afternoon an' de old 
guy farmer come out and sez, "Wot are yer doin' in my hay- 
mow in de middle uvdeday? " " Sleeping," sez 1. " Wa-a-1," 
sez he, " you kin get out uv here all fired quick. Dis ain't 
Parson Jones' {local) church." 

Tired Tim. I hab me troubles in de sleeping line too. I 
went up ter a bloke an' sez I, wid tears in me eyes, " Kin yer 
tell me where I kin git fifteen cents fur a bed ? " " Certainly," 
sez he. " Bring der bed ter me an' if it's worth it I'll give yer 
fifteen cents fur it." 

Tattered R. You all hev met wid de lady who when yer 
ax fer a little help will cum at yer wid dis remark, " Why 
don't yer work fer a livin' ? " Try dis fur an answer : " Work? 
Me dear woman, I wuz onct worth several millions, but consid- 
erin' it a sin ter die rich I guv it all away, den 1 didn't die as 
soon as I expected an' hence hev ter descend ter dis." 

Frosty F. Dat's a good idee. 

Tattered R. Den anodder time try de strike gag. Say 
dat youse hed a ten-tousand-dollar job, but owin' ter labor 
troubles yer lost de position. 

Lazy Logan. I ain't got no sympathy wid a strike. 

Tattered R. But yer don't blame folks fer not working, 
do yer ? 

Lazy Logan. Yer can't strike 'less you've gut a job, kin 
yer ? Dey hed no business ter work, den dere wouldn't be no 
strikes. 

Dusty R. Say, Lazy, why will yer feel perfectly at home 
when yer git ter de good place ? 

Lazy Logan. Why will I feel at home when I git ter de 
good place ? I alius tought I'd feel kinder strange dere. 

Dusty R. No, we're de only folks dat'll feel natural. 

Lazy Logan. How do yer make dat out ? 

Dusty R. Ain't it a place uv eternal rest? 

Frowsy F. Religion is all right as fur ez it goes, but it 
doesn't go fur enough. 

JIatless Hal. Explain yer remarks, 



THE TRAMPS' CONVENTION 3 1 

Frowsy F. It only commands man not ter work on de 
seventh day — don't say nuthin' 'bout de odder six days. 

Hungry Dan. Did yer know dat Mr. Rubens, de labor 
leader, resigned frum Parson White's church ? 

Hobo Jake. Wot wuz de row ? 

Hungry Dan. De parson preached about de creation uv 
de world in six days. 

Hobo Jake. Wot hed thet ter do wid Rubens' re- 
signin' ? 

Hungry Dan. Rubens claimed if he created de world in 
six days de days were over nine hours long and dat's against 
de laws ob de labor union. 

Dusty Bob. Say, I dreamed onct I wuz an angel. 

Tattered R. How'd yer like it ? 

Dusty Bob. Rotten ! Couldn't get me shirt on over me 
wings. 

Tattered R. I wud also advise ez many as could ter 
migrate ter Central Ameriky. A man don't hev nothin' ter do 
dere — whole country's covered wid bananas — noddin' ter do 
but lay under a tree an' eat dem. 

Tramping Muggs. I tink dat I will start ter-morrer. 

Hungry Dan. Don't be rash, Muggs. Look before yer 
leap. I wud like ter ax de speaker one question. Do yer hev 
ter pick dem bananers off de trees ? 

Tattered R. Yes, yer do. 

Tramping Muggs. Dat settles it. Dat's work, ain't it? 
Tought youse wuz tellin* us how ter avoid it. 

Hatless Hal. I've got a patent fer makin' shoes out uv 
banana skins. 

Frowsy F. Come off! Yer can't make shoes out uv 
banana skins. Yer can only make slippers. 

Dusty Bob. Dat scheme won't work, Hatless. 

Hatless Hal. Well, it wouldn't belong ter me if it worked, 
would it ? 

Tattered R. Dis audjence am very imperlite ter interrupt 
de speaker. Here's anodder ting ter try. Make a deep bow 
like dis when de door is opened, place yer hand on yer heart 
an' say, " Will yer kindly guv me a little money ? I lost every- 
ting in last week's storm." When she inquires how dat wuz, 
jest tell her dat you wuz dreamin' yer hed money ter burn and 
de wind an' rain waked yer. Den try dis. When dey offer 
ter guv yer a meal if yer saw wood say, " Yer can't expect me 
ter saw wood on an empty stomach, can yer? " 



32 THE TRAMPS 3 CONVENTION 

Happy H. I sed dat onct and she sed, " Oh, no, me man. 
Dere's a sawhorse in de shed, saw it on dat." 

Tattered R. Close de open in' in yer face, Happy, while 
I perceed. You say dat after you hab a good meal yer will be 
glad ter saw a cord uv wood, den after yer hab downed de 
grub jest prepare ter depart. She will probably trow dis at yer : 
" Ain't yer goin' ter saw dat wood ? " " No, indeed, me dear 
leddy." "But yer said yer would while yer were eatin' dat 
fine dinner I guv yer." "Yes'm," sez you, edgin' off, "a 
few good jokes while eatin' is a great aid ter degestion." 

Dusty Bob. Mister Speaker, I wud like ter ax one ques- 
tion. Do you agree wid Edison dat hard work neber hurt 
nobody ? 

Tattered R. Well, speakin' fur meself, I kin say it never 
did me no harm, but Happy Hooligan over dere looks thin and 
pale. Wot's got yer, Happy ? 

Happy H. Work, work, work from mornin' till night and 
only one hour's rest. 

Tattered R. Is dat so ? How long hab you been at it ? 

Happy H. I begin next year. 

Gentleman Jim. How is business in de country, Tattered ? 

Tattered R. Awful, awful ! Dere's work fer everybody. 

Frowsy F. Dat's so. I went ter a house an' sed, "Madam, 
I hev come out uv de wilderness ter locate work." "Humph, 
I kin giv yer plenty," sez she. "Beg pardon, ma'am," sez 
I, " I wuz merely tryin' ter locate it. Now dat I know it still 
exists I will return to de wilderness." 

Healthy Tim. Sometimes I'm tempted ter try de Ar'tic 
regions. 

Sunny Mike. Too cold fer me. 

Healthy Tim. Well, yer nerves get a rest. None uv dem 
Eskimos is lookin' fur farm hands. 

Sunny Mike. Wot is yer fav'rite occupation, Healthy ? 

Healthy Tim. Dat depends on where I am. Ef it's in 
Alaska it's pickin' oranges, an' if it's Floridy, shoveling snow 
is me specialty. 

Tattered R. Speakin' uv farm work makes me tink uv a 
lady wot axed me if I wouldn't like ter hoe de onion patch. 
" Why not take an example frum de little busy bees ? " sez she. 
" I'm willin' ter, mum," sez I ; "jest ez soon as I see a little 
busy bee grab a hoe and start fer de onion patch I'll do de 
same ting." Den she slammed de door reel spiteful like. 
Can't please dese women nohow. Anodder point, don't let 



THE TRAMPS CONVENTION 



33 



dem impose on yer good nature. Onct I axed for a piece uv 
meat an' wuz passed out a piece uv steak. I worked at it fur 
some time but I couldn't make er dent in it, so I rang de bell, 
and when she come to de door I handed de steak back to her 
an' sez, " Madam, I axed for meat. I did not ax yer fer work." 
"Work," sez she; "I don't believe yer ever went ter work." 
"Oh, honest, leddy," sez I, "many's de time I've went fur it, 
but I'm such a strenuous feller dat every time I start ter go ter 
work I go clear past it." "Den you've never done any ting 
in yer life ? " sez she. " Yes'm, I've done time," sez I. 

Dirty Joe. Dey ax sich foolish questions dey make me 
tired. Onct I knew a man wot set out some trees fer a leddy. 
She comes out rubberin' round and sez she, " Diggin' out de 
holes, I see; dat is very good." "No, mum," sez he wid 
dignity, "I'm diggin' out de dirt an' leavin' de holes" 

Tired Tim. I hear you an' Weary wuz calm and collected 
arter de dynamite explosion at de quarry, Frosty. 

Frosty F. Well, it wuz like dis : I wuz calm and Weary 
wuz collected — in small pieces. 

Tramping Muggs. Look at dat fat man. (Points to some 
one in the audience.) He must hev a good time uv it. 

Hungry Dan. Mebbe he has, but I shouldn't care ter be in 
his skin. 

Tramping Muggs. Why wouldn't yer like ter be in his 
skin? 

Hungry Dan. Becuz it would be too big fer me. 

Dusty Bob. I tink we shell hev ter close dis discussion if 
der are no odder questions ter ax. 

Hatless Hal. I'd like ter ax one more. Wot would yer 
do, Tattered, if a woman brought yer out a rug ? 

Tattered R. Dat's easy. Beat it — quick fer de road. 

Dusty Bob. We will now perceed to de final number uv 
our program. As you know we select one, an' only one, mem- 
ber each year ter our most exclusive circle — de Ananias Club. 
As several uv de bredren hev applied fer membership, is it yer 
pleasure ter see which one you tink is best qualified fur dat 
'ristocratic sassiety ? 

Chorus. Try 'em out. Yep, we'll jedge, etc., etc. 

Dusty Bob. Healthy, you first. 

Healthy Tim. Excuse me, gentlemen, while I tremble. I 
wuz out ridin' in me new automobile and a guy in anodder 
benzine buggy stopped me an' sed, "Who are you?" "I'm 
Reggie Vanderbilt," sez I, "out fur a ride in me new auto," 



34 the tramps' convention 

"Where do yer come from? "sez he. "Indiana," sez I; 
" me fader is a millionaire farmer out dar. He raised a cabbage 
last year dat weighed a tousand pounds. Now who in de devil 
are youse?" sez I. "Why, I'm Andrew Carnegie in my pri- 
vate car," sez he. "I'm going back to de factory ter super- 
vise de manufacture of a boiler so big dat it takes tree hundred 
men ter drive one uv de rivets." "Go easy, dere," sez I. 
" Wot could dey do wid a boiler like dat?" "Why, dere's 
goin' ter boil dat cabbage yer fader raised," sez he. 

Chorus. He's a good un. Who kin beat dat? " etc. 

Dusty Bob. Sunny Mike, yer try. 

Sunny Mike. I wuz out in Dakota onct in a turrible wind 
storm. 

Frowsy F. Great place fer wind out dere. 

Sunny Mike. It sure is. Dis wuz a terrific gale. Would 
yer believe it, it blew so hard stoves were drawn up right 
through de chimneys an' went sailin' off through de air, blew 
into de neck uv a bottle and blew de bottom of de bottle out, a 
molasses barrel dat wuz standin' in front uv er grocery store 
wuz sucked right out uv de bunghole and turned inside out like 
er glove, de dirt blew out uv a posthole an' left de hole stickin' 
out uv de ground 'bout two feet wid no dirt 'round it at all. 
Wust cyclone I ever see. Fact. 

{Chorus of exclamations and laughter.) 

Hatless Hal. Father Murphy told me at confession onct 
dat I wuz de best man dat ever lived. 

Hungry Dan. Aw, come off ! De best man dat ever lived. 
Excuse me while I smile. 

Hatless Hal. Yes, in my line — since Ananias— but he 
hedn't heard 'bout Frowsy's cyclone. 

Dusty Bob. De nex' applicant is Tired Tim. 

Tired Tim. Frowsy's cyclone makes me tink of de sudden 
changes uv de New England climate. I wuz hevin' a little ar- 
gument wid a friend uv mine onct when dere wuz several inches 
uv snow on de ground, an' gittin' a little riled I picked up a 
snowball an' trew it at him. He wuz about ten feet frum 
me an' de wedder changed so quick — got so tarnation hot, dat 
instead uv bein' hit wid a snowball, he wuz scalded wid hot 
water. 

Tramping Muggs. I tink Tired takes de cake. 

Dusty Bob. Don't be too hasty in yer jedgments. Give 
de rest a try out. Frosty, you now, 



the tramps' convention 35 

Frosty F. Frowsy an' Tired' s wedder stories make me tink 
of me travels last summer. One place I visited de ground is 
frozen so hard de year round dat when dey want ter bury a 
man dey jest sharpen his feet an' drive him in wid a pile 
hammer. 

Chorus. Can't beat dat ! He's got it ! etc. 

Frosty F. But dat wuzn't so bad as anodder place I vis- 
ited. De hotel where I wuz stay in' got on fire — no fire es- 
capes or ladders dere — staircase burned away. I kept me pres- 
ence uv mind, emptied a tub uv water out uv de winder an' 
slid down on de icicle ter de ground in safety. 

Chorus. He's Ananias hisself ! Youse de one ! etc. 

Dusty Bob. Not yet. Dusty Rhodes hez a little ter say. 

Dusty R. Me home is out in Kansas. Great corn country, 
but it's dangerous, awful dangerous. 

Hobo Jake. Wot's dangerous about it ? Too easy ter get 
work? 

Dusty R. Me brudder climbed a corn stalk onct ter see 
how de sky looked, an' de stalk grew so much faster dan he 
could climb down dat he's never been able ter reach de ground. 

Hobo Jake. How long ago was dat ? 

Dusty R. Tree years. 

Hatless Hal. Should tink he'd starve ter death. 

Dusty R. Nope, lives on corn ; hez trown down a tousand 
bushels uv cobs. No danger uv starvin', but de corn is so 
high now dat dey are afraid he'll freeze ter death. I'm now 
solicitin' funds ter attempt his rescue wid an aeroplane. If any 
of yer would like ter aid in a good cause any contributions 
frum a million dollars down will be accepted. 

Frosty F. Say, youse are a liar, Dusty Rhodes. 

Dusty R. You're de same. 

Hatless Hal. Dat's de first time I ever knew either one 
uv yer ter tell de truth. 

Tramping Muggs. I hev a little dog story ter tell. Dogs 
are orful intellergent animals. I hed a dog onct dat wanted 
ter sleep on me bed, an' I didn't want him ter cuz he hed fleas. 
One night when I got home I found him on de bed an' I guv 
him a good lickin*. De nex' night when I got home de dorg 
wuz on de floor side uv de bed, but I felt de bed an' it wuz 
warm, so I knew he'd been on it agin, so I guv him anodder 
lickin'. De nex' night I got home a little earlier dan usual, 
and dere wuz dat dog sittin' before de bed blowin' on it wid all 
his might ter cool it. Orful smart dorg. 



36 THE TRAMPS* CONVENTION 

Hungry Dan. Kinder fishy, Muggs. I wuz fishin* onct up 

near Newfoundland — wuz fishin' fer — er — er Wot do yer 

call 'em ? Orful big fish. 

Hatlkss Hal. Whales. 

Hungry Dan. No, we wuz baitin' wid whales. 

Dusty R. Hatless Hal is de last applicant, but he don't 
stand much chanct uv beatin' de previous ones. Will yer hev 
a try, Hatless ? 

Hatless Hal (rising slowly and solemnly). Gentlemen, I 
never told a lie in all me life. 

Chorus. He's got it. Dat settles it. 

Dusty Bob. All dose in favor uv electing Hatless as de new 
member uv de Ananias Club please raise one finger. It is a 
unanimous vote. 

Happy H. Cheese it ! I hear de janitor comin'. Out wid 
yer, quick. (All start for door.) 



CURTAIN 



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played by less if desired. Scenery unimportant ; costumes modern. Full 

of humorous points and chances to introduce local hits. Plays from an 

hour up, according to specialties introduced. 

Price, 25 cents 

A MODERN SEWING SOCIETY 

An Entertainment in One Scene 

By O. W, Gleason 
Fourteen females. Costumes modern ; no scenery required. May be 
easily presented on a bare platform. Plays forty-five minutes. A hu. 
morous picture of this much-abused institution, briskly and vivaciously 
written and full of "points." Its characters offer a wide variety of op. 
pwrtunity for local hits and satire of local characters and institutions. 
Price t 13 cents 



JAN 17 1912 



New Plays 



HIS WORD OF HONOR 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By Charles Gott 
Eleven males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors 
and an easy exterior. Plays two hours. An exceptionally good college 
play, high in tone and aim, and faithful in atmosphere and color. Its 
theme is taken from the serious side of college life, — the so-called " Honor 
System " in college examinations, — but its humorous traits are various and 
rich and its general tone gay and vivacious. Very strongly recommended 
for scnools, particularly for co-educational institutions. Will suit both in- 
structors and instructed. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Dick Walthour, a senior. 

Harvey Grant, a senior, president of the Student Council. 
Bert Flemming, Dick's roommate, a junior. 
Arthur Carson, a Virginian, a junior 
William Henry Fraser, alias ,l Kid," a freshman. 
Hunter, Jackson, King, Wilkins, students. 
Jeremiah Hackett, a sophomore, Fraser s roommate. 
Coffey, a postman. 

Helen Flemming, Berfs sister, a junior. 
Janette Gordon, a junior. 
Molly Atkins, a freshman. 
Arethusa A. Judkins, a sophomore, a "grind." 
Mrs. MacInchbald, the chamber-" maid." 
Professor Nicely, Professor Loomis, and others. 

WHEN WOMEN VOTE 

A Farce in Two Acts 

By Anna P. See 

Five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an easy interior. Plays 

forty minutes. A good-natured and clever forecast of the time when the 

Suffragette has won her fight, telling an amusing little story to carry its 

satire. Good for women's clubs ; easy and bright. 

Price , 15 cents 

bumps 

A Farce in One Act 
By Lillie Davis 
Three females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays twenty- 
five minutes. An amusing little hit at the fad of phrenology, suitable fQj" 
school performance. Clean and bright. 

Price ij cents 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 
m if WW 



9L W\ ^tnero's $Ia£g 

$titt t 50 tfentj? oBacfii 



THF MAfifSTRATF Farce In Three Acts. Twelve males, four 
11114 lUAUioiiUiiJL, females costumes, modern; seenery, All 
Interior. Plays two hours and a half. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITR £T* ,' n fT A f" 

Ei. > • males , five females . 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, all interiors PI; ys a full evening. 

THF PROF! I(i ATF Play *** Four AGia 6eyen males > fi ve females . 
111L> iuuil,iuail, ScenerV) three mteriorgj ra ther elaborate; 

costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THE SCHOOLMISTRESS FarCein Th™eAets.Ninemales,seven 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^ZZ^ m £l 

tumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

SWEET LAVENDER Comed y *** ThxQe Acts ° Seven ^aies, four 

^ females. Scene, a single interior ; costumes , 

modern. Plays a full evening. 

THE TIMES Comed y ^ Four Acts » six m ales, seven females. 
Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays a 
full evening. 

THE WEAKER SEX Comed y ^ Tnree Acts - Eight males, eight 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two 
interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE "T - ? '"/T *? t *" 

^ males, four females. Costumes, 
modern ; scene, & single interior, Flays & full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter ^. 'Bafiev & Company 

Ho. 5 Hamilton Hae% Boston* Massachusetts 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




_0_M7_401_194 1 

W$t ^tiltattt barren eDttton 
of Paps 



AS Yftf I I IFF IT Comed y in Five Acts « Thirteen males, four 
AJ k\ru &4&.SLL< fll females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried Plays a full evening. 



CAMIIIF Brama in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Cos- 

Sj&BULilih tumes, modern j scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 

INlfOMAP Fla,j * n Five Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 

/11iUv1T1AI\ Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 



males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period ; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 



males, three females. Costumes, 
ipieturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

RICHFI IFII Piay in Five Acts. Fifteen males, two females, Scen- 
J\lVllA<LflJL<U er y elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 



THF PIVAIS Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
1 Hit III T ALtD Scenery varied ; costumes of the period. Plays a 
full evening. 

SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER ffi^SS^SJ™*? 

ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 



TWELFTH NIGHT: OR, WHAT YOU WILL 22ft£ 



Five 



three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter ^> OBafier & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 

So J., PARKMiLL A, SO., PRINTERS, BOSTON. U.S. * 



